Dating and Mating in the Holy Land

In Israel, the dating scene is different than most would expect from the “Jewish State”. Over two thirds of the Jewish population in Israel is secular. That being said, the Jewish stereotype of the ‘matchmaker’ being the only way that Jewish singles find each other and get married right away is mostly exaggerated. Now, this is still true to a certain degree in the orthodox Jewish world, but definitely not in the secular Israeli world. The attitude of most Israelis is an open mentality in regards to dating and sexuality. To quote Family Therapist Rachel Biale (found in The Israelis, by Donna Rosenthal):

“Israelis tend to have a macho bravado in dating and everyday life and reassure themselves that everything will be fine even if it won’t. This denial may also be a response to the uncertainty of life here. On a deeper level, it may be a response to our parents’ or grandparents’ helplessness in face of the Holocaust.”

There are many contributing factors as to why the Israeli outlook on dating and sexuality is so open and loose. One major contributor is the military; every male and female Israeli citizen, with the exception of the ultra-orthodox, is drafted into the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) at the age of 18 for a two to three year service term. Therefore the popular mentality is to try to experience as much as possible before getting drafted because there are no guarantees for what could happen to one. In addition, the result for those who have already served in the military is that they typically don’t like to be told what to do or how to live their lives, since they got enough of that in the service. A second contributor would be the threat of suicide bombings or any other terrorist attacks that could happen at any given time. This is a certain outlook on life that those of us who live in the United States or other Western European countries cannot understand. The amazing thing about it is that Israelis are not fazed by this; they understand their daily risk, respect it, and make sure as to not let themselves live in fear. Now, this knowledge results in the mindset that one should eat their desert first because they don’t know if they’ll get to finish their meal.

The average age for Israelis to get married is 27 for men and 25 for women, as found in an LA Times Blog from December 2007 about Israeli marriage. With this being the average, and keeping in mind that the ultra-orthodox age is closer to 20, the average age of marriage for secular Israeli Jews is actually slightly higher. This goes to show that most of these young adults are not in any rush to get married even after having served in the military. They want to be able to enjoy life and for the most part do not even consider their dating habits as a means leading to marriage until they are actually ready for marriage. To quote Vered, a young Israeli woman, when speaking about her boyfriend, “He’ll make a very wonderful husband-for some other woman.” Vered is realistic and didn’t mind that her boyfriend at the time was not the man she was going to marry.

Israeli orthodox Jews, however, are much different in their dating habits. Most of them do not engage in premarital-sex or even come in any physical contact prior to marriage. This is known as being shomer negiah. Besides no physical contact, the main idea behind the dating in the first place is strictly to find a spouse; the complete opposite for most secular Israelis in their early twenties. When meeting each other, they would typically go out on a few dates as a way to make sure if they are compatible or not. Within less than a dozen dates they will know if this is somebody that they will marry or not. It seems odd from a secular perspective to get married to somebody within only a couple months of meeting them, but when considering that there is no premarital physical contact and the sole purpose for dating is to get married, it actually makes sense.


Despite these two very different methods to dating and marriage, Jewish Israelis from one extreme to the other, and everything in between, coexist in the same cities and towns and have a mutual respect for their differences